sinfully decadent

Misunderstanding

2005-04-18T08:35:00.000-07:00

Misunderstanding

"The hate that runs thorugh my veins poisons me sweetly.
Leaving every after thought breathless"

Les haine ce course au travers de mon veine poison me doux.

Trying so much to push thoughts of you out of my mind.
I try to calm myself with another cup
Of whatever it is that made me fall for you.
Your bitterness wakes me up
Every morning
Rather than coffee
And it makes my stomach curdle in its own place
The pain inviting.
So in my troubled state
I gaze upon the other words that I wove for you
And realize how empty those had been
How meaningless and selfish
To have stolen those emotions
To feed to you
Leaving me thin of life
Making me dead yet breathing enough
To suffer hating you

How evil you had been.

Yet I can't stop wanting you
Or maybe i just don't
My cursed affections binding me.
Restless it keeps me.
I take another sip from the cup
Flowing me with more
Things
That remind me of you.

I am drugged.

Stoned.

Falling quite asleep... my head waiting to crack
Upon falling on the floor
As the sleep that awaits me after
Seduces me
I reach for her
And she strays away.
I stay awake.

The morning sun flashes the room
As it slips thorugh a tiny crack on the window
Keeping me company
Embracing me in its warmth
Its deafening silence
Talking to me
Deeply.

I tell her how you had broke my heart into pieces
And how much I enjoyed it
Yet in the end
Made me lose my mind
Once the thought
That I no longer had you
Kicked in.

She cries.
I try to.
But my tears are all out.
I must have used them up that night
You wore that lovely dress
And pretended to like me
Smiling
Making me force myself
To admit how beautiful you were
In the back of my mind.

Then suddenly
Ever so elegantly
You told me to stay away from you
To forget I ever had been with you
But to remember how much
I had really liked
The things that remind me how much
You meant to me.
Drilling a hole in my heart.
Leaving me wet
Out in the rain
The cold drenching me
My tears still visible.

Yet now.
As I tell her how much
You had hated me
And how much
I thought I had feelings for you
I find them all hilarious.

For the first time in years.

I throw the cup away.
Dress myself up.
And step outside.
The sun still accompanying me.

And now,
Those words make me laugh dear.
They do.

How stupid I had been the day I told you I loved you.

Sweet Rant 3

2005-04-14T01:29:00.000-07:00

I try comforting myself by thinking you're there
When you're not really at all
Or were ever

Untitled 3

2005-04-14T01:22:00.000-07:00

Whenever
i find
myself
blinded
with
ill misfortune
And in everytime
that i get
sick
and tired
of this
no good
god forsaken
rancid
life.

I turn to you.

And quit

All alluring

Sadness.

And depression.

You are sweet.

And I'm learning to like you.

Words
just won't
do justice
to describe
how nice
and friendly
you've been
to me.
I guess
I have to know you more
and I know
I want to
so i pay you
my respects
bid you
with three words
you've invented

...

"till next time"
dear friend

Untitled 2

2005-04-14T01:14:00.000-07:00

Like sugar
I hold you
In my hands
As you slip away
Through the gaps
Between my fingers
As I try to catch you
And collect
Every grain
You hold

Your powder
Often kills
And ravages
Through the openings
And ventricles
Of my soul.
I hate you

I hate you.

I hate you.

And I wish
You were here
So that you could see me
Hating you.

I hate you.

So picking up
The scattered pieces
Of my broken heart
And mopping up
Off the floor
A puddle
Of little teardrops
I let
The misled drama
Kill me.

I hate you.

Though I can't help myself from saying,
I want you.

I want you.

Untitled

2005-04-14T01:11:00.000-07:00

You find yourself, stuck in two notes
Squeezed in between one measure
Life poisoning you
Making you weak
Nourishing you
With whatever you think you need
Seducing you
To death's four poster
Running her rotting hand
Across your cheek
Sending you chills
Down your spine.
You know you love it.
And yet
Somewhere in
That corrugated box
Most people call a heart
You find a nicer
Peace of mind.
So you pay death her wages
And send her out the door.
In red little dollars
You give when you're already
Six feet under the floor.

Fin.

ANTS (A rant to society)

2005-04-14T01:05:00.000-07:00

--Lined up mournfully in a moody swing
The jazzy rythm of silent footsteps
Carry non-existent
Urban things.
As lights burn and soft spoken ashes
Light up and set aflame
Themselves
Into a bright conundrum
Preaching false pretense
And unjustified statute--

Towering minarets fall
As abused by the muezzin
Dancing in a grotesque minuet
Society and its stillness
Shall not sing
Against its queen.
They turn their heads away
In succesful beat
After beat
After beat
Of injustice."
THEY SHALL NOT SING."
Poisoned by idealism
And hopeless belief
They are left perplexed
In salutary misery.

"I shall indulge in salted salmonella
And wait for my incoherent thoughts
To come and save me."

Rebellion.

God sleeps a wink and leaves His children
To do the smiting for him.

Rebellion.

The saints watch in agony.
As blood soaks the greyish city streets.
And the men drown themselves
In pointless phylacetry
Trying to sieze the Salvationists
From making believe
That they could actually retrieve
What's left
Of the spoils of humanity.
Society is thrust
Into an amalgam
Of antipathy
And subversion
And apathy.
While those too weak
Jump into a pool
Of toxic perfidy
The pungent stench
Gagging all punctiliousness
And raping all forms of innocence.

"The sinful swim in hot lucre and are filled with hollow rapture."

Drenched in acid sweat
Those of the working class
Dissolve under a tyrannic sun
That curiously
Inebriates itself in
Common kakistokracy.

"We fall prey to time."

Conspiracy.

God shows His mercy through conspiracy.

"Your sweet little lies show their crystalline eyes."

God shows His mercy through conspiracy.

In the afternoon sunset
In the night that turns dawn.
Time turns its tables on itself.
And undoes
Whatever playful fiasco
It has made--

--Lined up mournfully in a moody swing
The jazzy rythm of silent footsteps
Carry non-existent
Urban things.
As lights burn and soft spoken ashes
Light up and set aflame
Themselves
Into a bright conundrum
Preaching false pretense
And unjustified statute.--

...how perfectly created are the ways the ants work to survive...

Sweet Rant 2

2005-03-12T20:16:00.000-08:00

Do you sometimes wish that you hadn't just lived so that you wouldn't experience any of this crap going on in the world right now? That you're listening to the Kings of Convenience one day and you suddenly felt you had to end it all, to cut yourself off from the world's pains as the bittersweet melody of the Kings rush through your blood, flowing every vein with agony with you cringing on the floor, trying to cry...
You look at her name in your Yahoo Messenger list.
Memories enter.
With them as bittersweet as the Kings of Convenience song.
You weep for the lost times that you could never bring back, never to change.

Picking up your guitar you write a song to let some of the emotions off. You get a pen, tear a piece of paper from your notebook and you let all the feelings exit your body. But it wasn't enough. Nothing ever is anymore.
You sigh. Your breath is cold.
You sing your song.
The melancholic tune runs around your room, playfully bouncing against the walls, banging its non-existent head on the scratching paint, scratching it more.
You open the door to let it out, but it won't leave you. The tune follows you unto your dreams, spinning images of sadness that haunts you. You wake up screaming, the sweat stinging your eyes. You know you've felt this before and yet the intensity of it all sends you running outside.
The morning air is freezing and you only got your shorts on, but you don't notice, you're to busy being wound up within yourself, within layers and layers of gagging soil that grew out of hell.
This heats you.
It keeps you alive, and as much as you hate it, you need it.
This is how fair life treats you.
You turn the computer on, look at her name again and now you cry.
You let it all out.
You know you miss her so. You know you never want to let go.
But you never really had her. You never had those hands clung upon her heart, instead you had your illusions, those twisted happy fantasies that could never come true.
You had spent several times trying to replace her, trying to push her away from your affections and yet you fail, you always do.
You want to get over her and yet sometimes you don't want to.
Or maybe most of the time.
You don't know anymore.
You're too lost and confused to think.
The only thing certain is your soul's request of escaping.
You fall asleep again, the computer still on, the internet fee running.
After a few hours you wake up again, the keyboard now wrecked from the saliva trail dripping from you.
Then you wake up again finding out that the saliva thing wasn't true, as your whole life has been.
It was all a dream. A sad never-ending dream, that ends with you not being able to wake up. That ends in your fateful coma. Your nirvana.
You are freed.
And in one last hopeful note you wished you were awake again, to see her for one last time, to see her name in your computer screen. That was more than enough.
You turn your computer on, waiting for Windows to load.
You whistle while doing this, then you notice smoke was coming out of the CPU.
In a flash, the computer explodes.
You try to find other units close by, but the darkness is now slowly eating you.
It gulps down your emotions first, then your memories and now you, in your entirety.
Everything ended.

You've felt this before... sometime before.
You know you're certain about it.

Sweet Rant 1

2005-03-02T06:00:00.000-08:00

You invade the tiniest fragment of loneliness I have in my soul.
Thank you.

Devoid Memoirs

2004-11-15T13:13:00.000-08:00

(this is inspired by a YM conversation I had weeks ago...and this poem sucks!!! But whatever... I do not have anything better to post)

There were times that I could not write,
Let alone look at empty documents
Where I see blnakness
As the emptiness consumes me
Where all the sadness
The pain
Wounds
And melancholy
Linger on, trying to feed themselves
With memories they never had
That could not enter them
That could not enter me
As all the sadness
The pain
Wounds and melancholy
Feast upon my dreams
Blissful fantasies that I could not share
Distant thoughts that are left forgotten
Within the recesses of a corrupted mind
Rotting--
Rancid--
Remembered--
Then forgotten again
As to everytime I think of you
I keep
Pushing away other thoughts and memories
To give space.
For the moments I share with you
Are gradually turning me into an empty shell
An empty refuge
Then I look inside
Nefore I remembered
That you hadn't really existed
That you were a figment of my imagination
That you were my blissful fantasy
That you were only a dream
For when I reached for the place that used to carry my soul
You know what I saw?
I saw the emptiness that consumed me...

Stutter

2004-11-15T11:36:00.000-08:00

Geez, it's 4 in the morning and I'm here, still in the waking world, sulking my life away. 2 hours ago, I fell asleep on a conversation with a friend I like to call Mandy...not that she was boring or anything...but I was just so god damn tired it was natural.
4:30, I feel wasted. My mind utters thoughts of gloom. I cry. Then I realize that there was nothing to be sad for.
4:35 five minutes have passed and I stare blankly at the computer screen, a Led Zeppelin song keeps on ringing in my head (Black Dog or Dazed and Confused...dammit I don't know...), it hurts like hell, and though I usually like the songs of the band, regarding that I literally worship Jimmy Page, I was annoyed. I wanted the ringing to stop.
4:37 since I was in the mood for songs I got an audio CD and ripped a song on my computer. It was an OK Go track named "Don't Ask Me". I got myself hooked after the opening riff---so hooked that I made a playlist playing that song over and over---then, when it played for the third time...I finally noticed the lyrics...and here it is:

Quit acting so friendly.
Don't nod don't laugh all nicely.
Don't think you'll up-end me. Don't sigh, don't sip your iced-tea.
And don't say, "It's been a while..."
And don't flash that stupid smile.

Don't ask me how I've been.

Don't think I've forgotten,
you never liked that necklace.
So cordial, so rotten...
Kiss, kiss, let's meet for breakfast.
Don't show up so on-time and don't act like you're so kind

Don't ask me how I've been.

Don't sit there and play just so frank,
so straight, so candid,
so thoughtful, so gracious,
so sound, so even-handed.
Don't be so damn benign and don't waste my f**king time.

Don't ask me how I've been.

It hit me hard.
4:45, I waited for the morning sun to arise...and when I stepped outside I felt the warmth of the breeze. I was about to call the person who made me miserable all this time.
I called my friend (not Mandy...I apologized to her in the morning for being such a jerk...).
She picked up the phone...and before I could speak...I hung up...my throat pushed by my tongue...suffocating...from the humid air...from the blind mist that has surrounded me...but most of all...I couldn't breath because I was scared...I can't answer her...
The sound of her voice makes me shiver...along with the warmth turned cold...by the rantings of a boy...who never minded anything but himself...who destroys any scrap of happiness with his sullen looks, his "I don't want to be here right now" attitude, and the all black attire he likes to wear...
That boy screams in my head, along with Robert Plant's vocals...and a guitar riff from stairway to heaven...
But I didn't mind...

I was screaming with Led Zeppelin.

Myopia

2004-11-02T22:08:00.000-08:00

I wonder.
I question my existence.
Existences that change every moment;
Through this damned world that I am never a part of;
Scribbled lives that give squiggles;
Wiggling forth into meaning that it shall never find;
Meaning that talks nonsense
Sense that conceals itself from me an the rest of the world.

Then you came along-

You who breathes new wind into empty lungs
You who replenishes parched lips
You who waters the dryness of the broken heart
You who grows back the hairs of fate
Without additonal price
Of nothing more than a head massage...

Then you fade away-

Finding worthy existence in no one
Finding no use for us and for yourself
As your own scribbled life produces nothing more than squiggles
Wiggling forth into meaning you though you knew
Until you failed to find it
Then you were lost
Then you had gone
And in your absence I though about the things you said.
And I began.
I wonder.